“We’ll be working hard, but if we should drift apart, let me take this moment just to say that you are going to change the world some day.” - When the Sun Goes Down, In the Heights
Whenever I lucid dream, an alarm triggers inside of me, as I begin to panic. My insides stir violently upon the realization that I’ve awoken into a nightmare, but there is a restraint that dominates my efforts to wake up, to escape. My body is stationary, my mind frantic. Any attempts to move or speak are futile, as I am no longer in control. Then suddenly, at one fell swoop, my body jerks up and I am awake.
This is what leaving you feels like–a lucid dream, but one that I cannot wake up from.
This summer has been a blissful dream and in a few days I’ll find myself living in a cruel nightmare. To say that life without you–romantically and platonically–will be difficult is an understatement. I know you say that you don’t want to break up, but deep down I know that you want to be single. Not because you don’t love me, but because you need to do your own thing, which I respect. That’s why I’m not going to fight to keep you. I would hate myself if I dragged you into commitment out of selfishness.
But I’ve been thinking about something lately. The night of my initiation into Delta Gamma, I was told that although I am now part of a whole, I will not lose my individuality. So why can’t we grow together? Why can’t we do our thing, be our own person, but remain a couple? “One of the most valuable things in a relationship is being able to constantly change and be individual…I think a relationship, when it’s working, is constantly evolving because we as individuals, evolve. You want to know that that the person you’re with is evolving with you” (Timberlake). Is it that absurd to think that we could actually make things work? Maybe I’m letting my feelings win over my rationality, but love isn’t rational. It’s spontaneous, dangerous, but also strong. Do you believe in our love?
Do I fight for us because we owe it to ourselves to try, to spare us from sleepless nights of “what ifs?” Or do I let you go because if we were meant to be together, we will find our way back to each other in the future?
I waited five years…maybe I’m tired of waiting. But when you love someone, you wait, right? After all, love is patient.
Well, no matter what happens, I’ll just enjoy the time that I have left with you. I just hope that you find someone who will love you wholeheartedly, especially on your worst days. You’re a work in progress, with so much potential that is yet to be cultivated. You’re destined for beautiful things, I believe that. So I hope you find a beautiful love, too.
I’ve always been a dreamer, but lately I’ve been experiencing a myraid of nightmares.
